Chocolate will make it better.

Preschool Graduate!

2010-06-18T16:59:00.007-06:00

They all looked so cute marching in.
Then in what felt like forever, it was her time to
give the Welcome Address...

Good evening Local Manager, Principal, Administrators,

Teachers, Parents and fellow classmates.

When we started Pre-school we were very small,

You see how much we have grown.

We’ve learned so much the whole year through,

Like our ABC’s and our 123’s, our shapes and colors too.

We’ve made friends and know how to share,

Making our parents and teachers happy.

Now our graduation day is finally here,

And Pre-school is over but learning never ends.

I can assure you that we will remember,

All the fun we had and all the things we did.

But most of all we’ll remember our friends and teachers.

Today with great hope and expectations we graduate.

On behalf of the graduating class of 2010,

It gives me great pleasure to extend a warm welcome

To all of you who have made this day a reality.

Thank you.

We went over the last few lines

as she woke up, at the beauty parlor, and finally on the ride to

the auditorium. And guess what? She nailed it!!!!!

Then after some presentations was the handing out of diplomas.

What a proud and happy day! Hopefully one of the many

happy eventful days into a bright a fulfilling future, God willing.

Graduation Day!

2010-06-17T12:40:00.002-06:00

It's been so crazy ... the planning for the arrival of the IICA rep and the consultant the BTIA hired to help us assess and organize the issues of Orange Walk and Tourism, planning and executing the dinner with them and the members of government, taking them on a tour of Orange Walk showcasing our tourism-assets. All the while still making sure I'm not neglecting my real work... the actual bread winning work, between machinery failure (printer died and new one doesn't want to cooperate) a flighty night guy, customers who don't want to pay up. Thank God for team work. I must say that the Board of BTIA Orange Walk Chapter really know how to communicate and work together. I'm really happy to be a part of it. Today I can finally breath and tend to my children. Well of course the focus is on Hala. She is after all graduating from preschool. One of many stepping stones into her bright future, God willing.

Took her to the beauty parlor to get all prettied up with an up-do. I tried to find a hair accessory that didn't scream beauty queen contestant. I didn't want it to look like a crown or tiara in her hair but I think it still ended up as such. Any who she looks lovely and I she seems to recall all the lines of her Welcome Address so I hope, please dear Lord, that she doesn't have a problem saying it in front of everyone.

Well wish us luck.

Why are we sleeping at Grandma's?

2010-04-07T17:10:00.002-06:00

Well li'l inquiring minds wants to know. My sweet, strong-minded, smart, alert little girl questioned me and this time I didn't quite know how to pharse it. Is the blunt truth necessary. I didn't think so.

Response:
"Mommy and Daddy loves you and your brother, you know that right. Remember when Daddy went to go sleep at his mommy's house? Well he didn't like it too much. So we'll go sleep at my mommy's house. You like sleeping there right?"

"Yeah, but I like sleeping at my house."

"Sometimes you will sleep at Grandma's with Mommy and sometimes you will sleep at Daddy's house."

"OK. Well, I need to go pack my stuff."

That seemed enough of an answer at the time, or so I thought. She must have thought maybe I'll get to know 'Why' from Uncle Zainy. Cause I found out from my mom that she asked my brother if he knows why we are sleeping here at Grandma's. Help! How do I explain this to her. Little bro answered her question as such. "Do you know that this is mommy's house and you are sleeping in mommy's old bedroom?"
Her response: "Oh, Ok."

Tricky. She seems ok with it. Just seems to be a bit sad at night. I think the really cool thing is that Roy and I still get along, for the most part, when he's not being intentionally annoying. I think that's good for the kids. We still show them we love them, when we're not telling them we're gonna give them away at the market if they don't simmer down and behave.

Oh life. I hope I don't damage my kids. They're such sweet little angels...when their sleeping. And when they forget to fight and just play nice together. When they give little kisses out of the blue or instigate a smile. Bless my heart, it is owned by two little individuals.

What is Love?

2009-11-12T12:04:00.003-06:00

I use to think Love was easy.
Why would anyone be afraid to love?
Love is grand. Love is hope. Love is happiness.
Is it really?
How do you know when your love is being abused or taken for granted?
Can that even happen?
Love is suppose to be given without a hitch.
Isn't love suppose to be wanting the best for someone, when you care about that person so much that their happiness is more important than yours, but that shouldn't matter because their being happy makes you happy. Isn't love suppose to be given 100%: you give 100% they give 100% so that way you are both 100% satisfied.
Is Love is overrated?

Patriotic Cupcakes

2009-09-18T15:39:00.005-06:00

Well I guess it worked. Roy said everyone loved the cupcakes. My favorite remark was from my daughter this morning. "Oh mommy! My cupcakes are so beautiful!" The look on her face was all I needed. I did them really simple. VERY simple. Just 1/3 red, 1/3 white and 1/3 blue with the flag on top. Less is more I guess. She was very excited to take it to school. I told remember 50 cupcakes for 50 bay leaves on the flag.

The Pressure is on!

2009-09-17T12:37:00.002-06:00

Ever since I said I will do cupcakes for Rashidah's class, she has been telling everyone. "and my cupcakes will have tiny little flags on top." The good part is the flag is done. The bad part is that I'm still not sure how to decorate it.

I did a cupcake tier with our country's colors. Here is Orange Walk, Belize you really have to improvise. I saw a couple DIY cupcake tiers on the net and thought "sure it's easy...if you have the stuff available." Too bad for us we don't have a Micheal's. When I moved back to Belize i knew I was in for it when I realized I was leaving my favorite store behind.

Fortunately though, we do have a sort of thrift store called Boudary's store and it has been my luck to find things that I go looking for...from stamp kits, to scrap-booking material to now an impromtu "cake dummy." Actually they were plastic silver floral bases but I figured with a little liquid silicone (my new favorite glue) it could probably work...and it did. I searched some other stores and found some poster boards and a presentation board and there you have it. With a little white wallpaper and some ribbon (also courtesy of Boundary's store) I got it to look a bit patriotic.

True

2009-09-11T16:30:00.002-06:00

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated." Confucious

Is there a bright side.

2009-09-09T15:44:00.002-06:00

I pray for more good days than bad;
That bad days don't break me;
That the memory of good days last forever
instead of being over shadowed by bad ones.

Why is it so hard to remember the good but
so easy to remember the bad.
Why is it easier to hash over an innuendo
than it is to reflect on a compliment.
Why is negativism easier than positivism.

Second Day of School

2009-09-01T12:55:00.002-06:00

Scene: Rashidah is sitting across from me at my office desk. She's playing with the paper we were using to practice her writing.

Me: So does your teacher know your name now?
Rashidah: (tearing bits of paper off with a ruler) Yes
Me. Does your teacher ask you any questions?
Rashidah: Uh-huh. (nodding her head in confirmation)
Me: What did she ask you?
Rashidah: "Rashidah please go sit down."
Me: Your teacher asked you to go sit down?
Rashidah: Uh-huh.

The End.

Some Li'l Creations

2009-08-19T16:35:00.018-06:00

Well, I've finally compiled some pictures of Delightful treats and cakes that I've made in the past... in no particular order. Some definitely could have used some improvements. Others I can smile about. It's all amateur stuff but was definitely fun making and decorating.

Wedding treat left in the honeymoon room, the cupcake was covered with buttercream frosting, the white chocolate I made with some wedding themed molds. I love making chocolate. The first time I ever made chocolate was for a wedding for a friend of mine in Florida. Boy does that bring back memories.

Easter cup cakes. Simple but fun and fun looking. Who doesn't love a good easter egg hunt. Used jelly beans and peanut m & m's for these ones.

I called it the "Valentines Day Treat Box" it was an assortment of Cherry cordial cookies, coconut macaroons dipped in chocolate, cupcakes and my special brownies.

This was last years Christmas Treat Box. Again an assortment of Chocolate Pecan Cubes, Christmas Crispy Treat, Brownies, Cake, and Peanut Kissy Cookies.

Birthday Cake for a 3 year old simple yet yummy lemon flavored buttercream frosting on a moist yellow cake.

This was my very first cake order. The nanny ordered it for her son, and she knows I'm not a professional but my yellow cake is a favorite of theirs.

This Thank You cake was a very tedious cake to make. It's a lemon-orange-pineapple cake with whipped cream frosting. Really Yummy.

This here is a December birthday cake I did for a friend. Her daughter loved Jojo. She told me she always has trouble ordering a cake since her little girl's B-Day is on December 26th. So I offered to help. It was a far cry from the picture I got off the web but I think the color helped out a lot.

This by far is one of my favorite cakes to make. Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake. Simply Delightful. Too bad Grandma was too sick to enjoy it.

This was the first time I ever used royal icing. It was for my daughter's Baptism. It's a little on the small side. It's when I truly learned the definition of tiered cake.

Another Birthday Cake

2009-08-19T12:02:00.006-06:00

I made this cake last night. Hubby's beating up that i charged so little for it. I was approached by our nanny's daughter who wanted to do something special for a friend of hers. She loves my cakes (or at least that's what she said to win me over).

Previously her mom placed an order for a graduation cake for her but requested that instead of a cake to use my specialty brownies. It came out rather nicely but unfortunately I have no picture due to that camera being stolen the day I took the photo.

I must say the nanny's family is getting the best of my baking...then again they are one of my only only paying customers... some may think its a "give-away-price", but I chalk it up as practice.

Go Bye-bye.

2009-08-18T16:36:00.003-06:00

Rafiq: Active, energetic, and fun loving little boy. Seeking persons to take him bye-bye.

He hears a key jingle and he's there like a bear. He sits by the door waiting for someone to open it so he can make his escape. He turns away if you want to hold him but if you say bye and you try to leave he will want to go with you.
What can I say the boy loves outings!

He Walks!

2009-06-24T21:44:00.002-06:00

It's been about a month since Rafiq has started making little steps on his own, but honestly I thought how much longer will it be until he finally builds the confidence to go the distance on his own? Today after 14 months and 4 days he finally took his first walk into toddler-hood, walking across the room and even changing direction at the last second. Neil Armstrong eat your heart out.

Boys certainly are different. Unlike his sister at this age, he tries to eat fruit from the garbage, climbs on anything that will take him up a level or four, throws anything he's bored of in the fish tank including but not limited to bottles, toys, TV remote, keys, and sunglasses. He tries to climb out of his crib even though he still didn't know how to walk yet, and has an irresistible urge to go after his weenie as air touches it.

Did i mention that I think boys are weird. Cute but weird. He even laughs at his own farts. What can I say gotta love em.

Parenting=Change

2009-06-24T20:36:00.007-06:00

Before becoming a mother my interests were volleyball, rollerblading, going to movies, and alternative/rock music. My time was for me. Meals were anything that could be eaten on the run and if nothing is edible in the fridge then that meal gets skipped with out so much as a second thought.

Now, my interests have changed and my likes are now pretty much dependent on that of my kids interest: playing cards, arts and craft, tickles. My body's idea of exercise is changing diapers that stink so bad it makes me sneeze causing my body to stiffen and do an involuntary abdominal crunch. There HAS to be something edible in the fridge, you think a hungry man is an angry man, just wait until you meet a baby with food on its mind.

Who would have thought an avid listener of groups like: Godsmack, Disturbed, and Linkin Park would turn into the cream puff that runs to the TV when Noggin's Papa Moco Jumbie comes on.

Lyrics

Part I

It's carnival time in my town today
So papa & I get our costumes ready
Oh I cannot wait for everybody to see
when papa stands on his stilts
he becomes a moco jumbie

My papa's a moco jumbie
Stands tall as the eyes can see
I wish I was tall as daddy
He dances to bring harmony
Come on son, dance with me
(while) I know I may be small but I wish I was tall
So for the carnival day I could moco jumbie my way

repeat chorus 2 x

My papa's a moco jumbie

Stands tall as the eyes can see
I wish I was tall as daddy
He dances to bring harmony
and now he's dancing with me

And while I may be small we came up with a way
So for the carnival day I could moco jumbie my way

Me and my papa today, dancing down the carnival way

Can't help it. I LOVE this song.

Inner Passion: hereditary?

2009-06-10T11:57:00.008-06:00

Ever since I've known myself I've loved baking. As a child the mixing, the measuring and especially the spoon-licking would call to me. I'd wait eagerly by my mom hoping that she'd let me help and award me the beater when she was finished.

Now I see my daughter, my little helper, being the eager beaver. "Can I put the' suga' in? I want to mix it." She'd run and grab the bar stool and push it up to the counter where I'm working and offer a lending hand because "I'm a good helper, right mama?" a response like "Yes, you are Pumpkin." would have her smiling happily. As she waits the question "can I taste it now?" would pop into her chatter more often than one would like to hear, setting it right up there with "Are we there yet?"

Here is my darling glowing at the sight of the cookies she helped make. I think she may just develop a passion for the culinary arts herself.

As much as I love her helping out, sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and ingredients. Baking and creating is my door out of the ordinary. Call me selfish but at times I just want it all to myself. It really is one of my only"me times." That's mainly why I bake at night. But for fun little small treats like cookies and brownines or cakes for the family, that's the day time stuff for me and my little chef.

Earth Hour: Save the Earth!

2009-03-28T22:30:00.007-06:00

Vote Earth everyone! It's our earth and we ought to do what we can to save it. No matter how small the deed it still helps.

Here at the Orchid Palm Inn, we did our share by turning off our lights and air conditioners of course we could not do it without the support of our guests. As a big THANK YOU to them for their understanding and support we had serviced juice and cheese dip with tortilla chips.

I'll be putting up some of the pictures that my hubby took.

Be still my aching heart.

2008-07-24T05:36:00.002-06:00

Mom and Dad just got back in from Florida yesterday the 23rd. They were out for a week. So I guess work is going to be up and at-tums today, not that I haven't been busy managing the two businesses on my own. The load just wasn't quite as heavy having my brother look after the field work. Normally when my folks would be out of the country I'd have to manage the office and the field jobs and manufacturing plant. But thank the good lord its different now.

Roy and my little angle Rashidah went to Cancun yesterday and will be flying out to New Jersey today. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of me, I've never been apart from my daughter for more than a day. The past two days I was dealing with the reality that I won't see her for bit. But it hit me last night like blow to the chest. I was choosing her outfits for her trip and folding her little clothes and the tears just rolled. I couldn't let her go. I know that may seem ridiculous because its only vacation and will be returning on August 3rd, but I can't help it. It feels like a lifetime away. I broke down into tears when we arrived at my in-laws, because I felt like I couldn't do it. I was so near panic that I'm glad Roy noticed and reassured me that they'll be alright. It's true it's not like she's going by herself. He's going with her and her grandparents will be going too. Here great-grandmother is already there so she will be fine. I know that. So, I mustered up some courage. But it was hard when she hugged me and told me "But I want you to go to Tia Sandra house, too." when I told her that I had to stay with Baby Brother she just hung her head down and said "awww." She's only just turned 3 and is such a small thing. But she'll steal your heart quicker than you know it.

My husband will take care of her, I know. I hope. If all else I know his parents will help. It's not that I don't trust him it's just that I know them both, but then again things are different when I'm not around, they're fine and she listens and obeys him. But when I'm around, he always tells me to talk to my daughter cause she wont' listen to him. I hope when they return they'll be best buds.

So for now the man of the house is little Rafiq. He got vaccinated on Tuesday and has not been his usually bubbly self; I guess it's the fever reducer I've be giving him. Yet, he still smiles as though he knows I'm in need of some cheering up.

Its funny that even at the small and tender age 3 months he's sensitive to my feelings. I could understand when he sees/hears me upset about something that he starts to whimper, which usually snaps my attention back to him and quickly settle down. I'd smile at him and tell him to "hush darling" that "it's ok, its not him I'm upset with" (very necessary especially when he's suckling cause he won't continue until I relax and reassure him.) That may or may not seem natural, but what's even more perplexed is the way he gets me to smile. How does he know to instigate smiling and conversation when he sees me staring off and feeling depressed? All I can feel is that he's God's little angel sent to me. Both of them are. I never knew I could feel so much love for anyone. It's so true:

Having children is seeing your heart walk around outside your body.

I'll miss them both so much already and will be counting the days.

Do we want to live to be 150?

2008-06-19T22:50:00.004-06:00

Lanza featured in the TV podcast is a board member of Eden. He was featured on ABC back in March. Click on the link..it's pretty freaky. For those of you who don't know. Eden has a base in Corozal, we (Sealand Harvesters & Developers Ltd.) did their piles and pile works for their foundation. They will be opening a larger clinic in the Belize Free Zone , near the airport.

We along with other investors of the Belize Free Zone went to an familiarization seminar they hosted in February. Eden (Stem cell research organization) is part of starcapital . Interesting yet super creepy. As my dad and I sat there we both couldn't help getting willies. As though we both had the same feeling we scoped out the nearest exits and summed up the dudes by the doors. I figure hmmm can I fake that I'm going into labor in order to escape if they try to lock the doors or will they try to hold my baby for testing.

By the end of the seminar we were like cool, very interesting...were we brainwashed? I mean it all seems to be going against God's will...are we/they trying to be like God? Funny thing is that I had a question and was interested in stem cell research without really knowing that's what it was...cord blood banking. I was interested in collecting and saving the blood from the umbilical cord as an insurance for my baby. But thankfully I spoke to the Scientist in charge Dr. Ramesh Roshan who measured out the pros and cons for me and aided me in my decision. He also informed me that here in Belize they will not be doing cord blood collecting at this time, which was basically the answer to my question.

Food for thought: I recall them emphasizing that they will NOT be doing anything like cloning and experimenting to create different species and such mad scientist nonsense...they they are simply doing research to improve and hopefully extend life through stem cell research. According to Lanza that's what he does...so does that me that here in belize there will be testing such as cloning occuring? Cloning not to create a "whole human" only "human organs" as they say. do-dee-do-dee-do-de-doo-dee have entered the twilite zone?

Sibling love

2008-06-10T10:56:00.000-06:00

Portrait of a Baby

2008-06-06T22:12:00.002-06:00

Sleeping with Angels

You sleep so soundly,
Looking so peaceful.
Carefully I set you down.

Your tiny being,
is holding me here.
So sweet is your expression.

You have caught my heart,
I'm still standing here.
'cause you're smiling in your sleep.

Bedtime games

2008-06-05T09:03:00.008-06:00

Have you tried to stage a photo with kids...it's funny what can happen...

I was trying to get my daughter to take her nap but as usual she didn't want to. She just loves her baby brother, so I told her come and sleep next to Baby Brother, an offer she couldn't refuse. Unfortunately, the bribe didn't hold too long so her next favorite thing is taking pictures so I told her to close her eyes, I'll take a picture of the two them sleeping. By the time I snapped the photo... here's what happened..Second attempt...Rafiq joined in on the joke on mommy...Third times a charm...
By the way it still took a lot more coaxing and back patting/rubbing to get her to sleep.

Another incident:
I wanted to capture a moment of sibling love and obviously someone got bored.

Rafiq Hassan Rosado

2008-06-02T00:27:00.008-06:00

Photo Ops

Hi son, I'm your daddy.

Eyes Open

"Sleeping with angels"

Rafiq's first bath.

Napping after bath.

Active Labor: My stories

2008-05-30T22:40:00.005-06:00

Well as some of you may know, my darling son finally decided to join us and made his grand entrance on April 20th at 1:57 AM. I'd have to say that this experience was better than the first..at least this time I knew how to push.

Yes, the whole experience itself was rather pleasant...not the pain...but the events and mood leading up to point of "I need to push!"

This time: I knew I was in labor, but chose not to go to the doctor right away. Instead we decided to go to a birthday party for a close friend, besides my doctor was invited to the party too.

First time: I thought is was false labor and was forced to go to the clinic by my mother and tattle-tale husband.

This time: I wasn't mad at hubby, he was clearly aware that I was experiencing labor pains but also wanted to party.

First time: I was mad at hubby: he slept even though I told him I was feeling what I thought was false labor pains...hmm...maybe that's why he continued sleeping even after I had awoken him a couple times with my "ou's."

This time: I arrived at the clinic 9 cm dialated

First time: I arrived at the clinic 6 cm dialated

This time: I handled contractions a whole lot better... But I must give props to info I found on the net. Expectant moms heed my words... mediation is the key (well at least it was for me) I just relaxed and concentrated on the fact that contractions have a beginning, middle and end. Beginning is mild and builds up to the middle which is the climax, then fades off to the end. I knew the pain was coming and waited for it and listened to it...oh and it definitely helped that I took a deep breath in at the start and slowly released it during the contraction.

First time: Fear caused me to tense up, but thank the good Lord above, hubby was there to rub my lower back while I was feeling this horrid pain. I had him apply pressure to my lower back until he felt as though his hand would fall off. Hey, it was the least he could do. Besides the pain his hand felt was in no comparison to what my coochie ("cucus" as Roy calls it) was feeling.

Two things that happened that were similar was 1: Doc had to break my water. 2: The pain I felt after that can only be described as mind boggling.

This time: For a moment I couldn't think, and felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I felt the need to push but couldn't because 1: we weren't in the delivery room 2: I was standing: 3: I needed to sit on the wheel chair to get to the delivery room. I thought the task to be impossible but again thank the good lord for nurses, doctors and family support. Nurse Briceno snapped me to reality with a calm, sympathetic but firm "deep breath. Take a deep breath." Once I managed to do that my whole body relaxed and I sat in the wheel chair and told Roy "Hurry!"

First time: I remember being wheeled through the waiting room and upon seeing our families I held my hand to my head and did a sign that said put me out of my misery.

This time: I started to push as I got on the table, but they kept telling me not to (I was too high on the table and needed to slide down.)

First time: They were telling me I was pushing wrong... LOL Can you imagine...I was pushing up apparently when I was suppose to be pushing down...hence bare down: For all you first time moms push like you want to poop...there I said it, I wish someone had told me that before I went into labor.

Both times: My darling angels came out with the woosh and my whole being relaxed, hearing their cries and seeing them for the first time all covered with yucky stuff but still looking so beautiful and so REAL. "Ten fingers, ten toes?"

Ten fingers. Ten Toes.

Can you feel my thoughts?

2008-05-29T21:42:00.008-06:00

This photo was taken on Friday, April 18th.

On my mind? When will he come into this world?
Is he ok in there? Will delivery be complicated?
Will I be blessed with a quick uncomplicated
labor for the second time?
Will I be blessed with a healthy baby?

Desiderata

2008-03-26T15:57:00.003-06:00

GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE & HASTE, & REMEMBER WHAT PEACE THERE MAY BE IN SILENCE, AS FAR AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT SURRENDER BE ON GOOD TERMS WITH ALL PERSONS. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they have their story. Avoid loud & aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

author unknown

Weakling or Self-sacrificing

2008-03-26T14:18:00.002-06:00

Well my past dilemma is placed in the passed. We "talked" it over and ended up saying: One day at time.

When I think about the married couples I know, they all have their story, 4 ladies have shared with me the trials that they've went through to reach the anniversary ages of 17 yrs, 20 yrs 28yrs and 45yrs. For Better or Worst... definitely something to ponder. How else can they reach such life-times if they didn't stick with it. The common factor in their stories was in fact, the children.

As a parent we are responsible for the up bringing of our offspring not to mention the safety, health and happiness. But does it mean that our lives no longer belong to us? No, I don't think so, I think that our lives belong to us but that our goal should be that our life be an example to them. That they may learn from our mistakes and if we have been good parents, hope that they too will be that way to their children. And if we demonstrate how to give love and receive love they too will know that life should be filled with love.

So, one day at a time. Learning to forgive, to rebuild trust and love willingly. Preparing for the worst yet hoping for the best, striving to be happy.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

2008-03-20T11:09:00.005-06:00

To sum it up, I'm sad, unhappy, a bit depressed but hoping that the decision I have made is for the best. For the most part I'm confused. Yesterday, it had seemed as though I had it all figured out. I knew what I had to do and was prepared to do it. But, then last night happened.

I was through loosing sleep over these types of matter and for the past few days have been sleeping like a baby...you know besides the discomfort of my pregnancy belly... But then last night I woke up and broke down. One thought crept in my mind and caused me to melt into a sobbing infant.
Am I being selfish by choosing to walk away from 5 years of my life with him, just because I'm not getting what I want out of the relationship? Am I suppose to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of the children? It's not that I wasn't thinking of them, because all my thoughts have been preparing myself for the reality that...no hubby means doing everything on my own... which even though it would suck, I know I can do it.

But no hubby means no Daddy to run to when mommy is mad or to massage cramped little legs or aching arms. No hubby means, no more fights over who's turn it is to watch tv..."my turn, Daddy, my turn." No hubby means, no Daddy to say "that's my pillow daddy" or no more trips for three to the tacos vendor Sunday mornings. Or to take us to Moy and play games. No more hubby means, no more waking up and running around the house to see if Daddy is still here or if he already went on the "Big Bus."

Think, think, think... Reality is I don't want my kids growing up without their father, but I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life either.

Here we go again

2008-03-17T10:18:00.004-06:00

"Hi my name is Helwa and I'm a jealous, lost-my-trust-in-you-wife."
"Hi Helwa" the other women respond.

Looking around the room it is difficult to see myself here, yet comforting to think that I'm not exactly alone in this world. Some look like angry cold-hearted women, some look like hurt little girls that have fear written all over their face, while others just seem detached. I'm trying to figure out in which of these groups do I fit in.

Where does jealousy come from? Why do we feel this way and jealous of what exactly. Click jealousy to find it's definition.

In my case I'm guessing option

2.	mental uneasiness from suspicion of unfaithfulness

Brings me to my next Flaw: SUSPICIOUS... Inclined to suspect evil, distrust...hmmm

Wow, I have issues. These are two things I don't like about myself...Jealous and Suspicious.
Do I seem less horrid by the fact that I didn't want to be like this. I really do hate these two forms of emotions that seemed to have been planted in me somewhere between courting and getting married and sprouted into a seedling during marriage and now after almost three years of marriage is a big old ugly gloomy tree.

You know what bothers me more the fact that my suspicions are usually right. So where should my anger reside... in the fact that I now know that I'm jealous and suspicious or in the fact that the reason that I'm jealous is because my suspicions are correct.

I don't know anymore. Once upon a time, being right was what mattered. At this point in my life being right bites....and unfortunately knowing that I am right doesn't make me happy. Unfortunately, it means being sad, depressed, disappointed, and just down in the dumps.

Why can't life be a fairytale. Why do we have memories... people who get amnesia are lucky in a way... everything from the past is forgotten, you can start over or for the person that screwed with your heart they have a second chance to make up to you for being scum...well that is if they even want to be with you and if they don't woo-hoo they're free and so are you. The only bad thing about that... happy memories get washed away too.... Well then selective amnesia will work perfectly. Is there anyway I can select what memories that get erased?

You know what I just realized... last Easter found me in the same state of mind. Does that mean a whole year of my life was wasted, doomed to be repeated again. Does that mean it will continue repeating the misery I had almost forgotten. Wow this is a hard reality to face but maybe it is. I never imagined thinking this but yes we probably are... I've lost trust in him and will in inadvertently always be suspicious, he will always be defensive and secretive so what's the point. Were do we go from there. Sucks to be in the last month of pregnancy with his second child and pondering these things.

Orchid Palm Inn: Small hotel of the Year!!!!

2008-03-11T12:50:00.004-06:00

I can't believe I'm just posting this on my blog... But yes, my little guest house, Orchid Palm Inn has unexpectedly been awarded Belize's "Small Hotel of the Year 2007." which is awarded for the ability to capture the essence of warmth and homeliness, excellent customer service and good management.

Back in January we were called and told that we were nominated for the award and wanted to do a testimonial video, that if we do win it will be showed at the ceremony. The 8th Annual Award Ceremony was held at Belize's Biltmore Hotel on January 25th and sure enough we won. It was a wonderful experience.

I'm so happy that all our efforts to keep our place looking lovely, our rooms kept clean and our staff friendly have a paid off. I take anything that happens here very, very personally whether it be negative or positive. Trust me...my little staff can vouch for that. I will chew them up if something wasn't done the right way, but also praise them when they have done well. Praise is a two way road and though in my position I don't get it first hand, when I my establishment gets a compliment, I feel honored and happy.

Thanks to the Belize Tourism Board for having such awards, it goes straight to the heart of the awarded.

Here's the little advertisement I did for Belize's tourist magazine: Destination Belize. It's on page 162 of the 2008 edition.

Feel like Italian anyone?

2007-08-08T15:39:00.000-06:00

I was surfing the tube and stopped on the Discovery Channel...I couldn't look away... people eating and actually enjoying this cheese that was filled with maggots!
Maggot Cheese (Cazu Marzu)
It was just wrong. Perhaps if it was drenched in smooth, creamy milk chocolate, I'd be curious enough to try it...then again, I don't think I'd be able to eat something that is still moving.
But you know what, it makes me all the more curious to visit Italy...before it was for sentimental reasons... Buon giorno, oggi e mercoledi...(Good morning today is Wednesday) or was it e oggi mercoledi...never mind that was about all I could remember.

At this moment I will pay a tribute to my 5th Grade elementary teacher at Pines Lake Elementary School...Mrs. Emberger. It was her desire to teach some 9 year olds about her home country and how to play bingo in Italian. She taught us how to count in itallian and before I left she was moving on to everyday objects. Imagine learning a foreign language wasn't even in the curriculum... or was it, I shall never know...too bad I only got to spend one term there, hence my limited...correction...non existing knowledge of the language.

All the more curious, I recall her asking the class what do we order when we go to an Italian restaurant and of course Spaghetti and pizza were just about the only thing anyone said, so she relayed to us that there was a lot more to enjoy and we shouldn't limit ourselves to the norm, something about the shrimps still having their head on...ech, she also told us about this place, a cliff where I think a rail road crosses over the top and at the bottom is where they sell gold jewelry, curious... I really liked her, hmmm I wonder whatever happened to her.

Here's to you Mrs. Emberger and to all the teachers that go the extra mile to try and broaden young and curious minds. She was definitely a special lady....Photo coming soon(I know I have one somewhere)...

On another note...as the memories come crashing forward, she was teaching us Italian while a couple of naughty kids were busy learning French under the our portable...kids, go figure.

Terrible Twos?

2007-08-01T15:55:00.000-06:00

Well my little darling, Rashidah, "turned two" on July 15th so we threw her a little party on Saturday the 14th with the theme as My Little Pony. She just loves horses, so her daddy arranged for her to have one at the party. That's him holding the horse. He said she didn't want to get down...go figure.

I really hope that her third year of life isn't as you know... terrible as people have led us to believe, and if it is destined to be terrible, I will say it now, that I hope her teen years won't be as bad as this coming one.

As it is, there is no mistaking that she has a mind of her own...she's determined, focused for the most part, not easily fooled, very polite, kind, funny, smart, basically an overall good little girl. She loves books, so as you can imagine, I'm really happy about that (at least she got something from me.) On the downside, she has a bit of a greed in her, too. She has this appetite for money... I mean scary, she will cry if you don't give her money...and if you ask her what she wants the money for, she will tell you "buy coke" or "buy chips" she use to say "bank" meaning she wants to put it in her piggy bank but I believe she now knows that money is used for purchasing stuff...a lesson learned too early. I wonder, what age do they say is a good one to start teaching children how to manage their money?

Back to her birthday party. I decided to make her cake, and thank the good Lord it didn't come out that bad, and far better than last year's...I got the idea off the net, to have a cake with a rainbow leading down to another one which was a lifesaver because I wasn't sure what to do. Of course I added my ideas to it...The cake on the decorated Kilm can, represented the ponies in a magical land in the sky...and the rainbow represented the transportation device that brings them to our world, so at the bottom of the rainbow I placed a small "my little pony, facing two small horses on a hill..The reason why the cakes were divided like land and water...I don't know...but it looked like a good idea.

She blew out her own candles,I don't recall if she was able to do it last year...I did whisper to her to make a wish.. should I be selfish and hope that Rashidah wished that Mommy's cake decorating skills would magically get better? LOL no, I'll have to remember to teach her about Solomon so that when she makes a wish, hopefully she'll ask for wisdom.

Funny thing, now that she knows how to blow candles out I realized that we have to be careful when invited to birthday parties.
She went to Geovaughn's party on the 29th (who by the way was the first to arrive at her party=>)
when it was time for the Birthday song and cake they placed her next to the birthday boy and placed the cake in front of them...when they did that my heart skipped a beat...the funny thing is she looked right at me with this expression of uncertainty, so I told her no pumpkin don't touch...and she put her head down and tapped the table with her little fingers, as they lit the candle and placed one in front of her and the other in front of Geovaughn I was like OMG so I got up and told her don't blow it out remember it's Geovaughn's birthday cake, I could hear her reply in her tiny voice, "jovan burtday cake, happy burtday to jovan" And I told her yes darling we're gonna sing happy birthday to Geovaughn.

I'm telling you, she has a mind boggling level of understanding, she really surprises me. Maybe if I have another baby, I'll know if it's normal... then again I'll probably need two more to really tell...but when you really think about it, if I have more kids just to try to find out what's normal, I'll be judging them...so never mind, I'll just be happy that she's progressing well. (Smile)

By the way, Lucy, Geovahn's mom, ended up telling Rashidah to help blow out the candles, the birthday boy was a little scared and didn't want to do it.

Looking back now, saying that they grow fast, is really an understatement. I want to make her get small again...to think that Roy wants her to start school next year is frightening. Growing up has its perks though, it was nice having having little hands around to help me with the preparation, I wonder if she will want to help again next year...

I do have one regret:not getting to spend time with her at her party, even the adults for that matter...perhaps next year, I'll let Roy be in charge of the children...hmmm... then again maybe not. At least I have a little hope that even though I didn't actually get to spend time with her, that she understood that this was all for her...

that this was "happy burtday to shi-dah."

As for the my question...is the year leading up to the third birthday as bad as they say... I guess that has yet to be determined...

Banana Crumb Muffin

2007-07-26T07:44:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm so happy to say that the muffins were a success!
I took this picture before they all disappeared.

This one is of one of our guests,Heidi, she was saying "Warm banana muffins."
No, it's not your eye... it's blurry. My hand shook because I was nervous and perhaps a bit off balance on account of my swollen head...This compliment was too good not to tell you.
Heidi burst in the lobby and said:
"You guys are doing a killing with these muffins, my girls are telling me that I have to try these, if I don't I will regret it for the rest of my life."
That was enough to swell my head and make me curious as to how these things taste.
So I secretly hoped they'd get their fill and still have left over and God must have listened to me... cause I got to taste one and it was surprisingly awesome.

Even my brother ate it and wanted more
and that's cause fruit-made stuff like that are
not his idea of something nice to eat. He said it's the
crunchy top that makes it sooooo good.
He was so inspired by it he drew this picture=>

I can't believe how easy they are to make...You have got to try these! The link to the recipe is below on the previous entry.
Or if you want you can stop by the hotel on Sunday morning and get one...LOL...I think I just might be making another batch then.

Long Time No See

2007-07-24T09:44:00.000-06:00

So much has happened since my last blog...sad times, happy times, bored times, stressed times...I'm starting to realize that I need more fun times, life is way too short. Thing is my idea of FUN has changed with time. Right now just having time to paint my nails and actually letting it dry without getting polished smeared or toes stepped on by my active toddler would be fun. At this point my expectations of what categorizes fun is very low.

There just aren't enough hours in the day and weekends go by too fast, by the time it ends and the work week begins I feel as though I would have been better off working the weekend... Sad I know.

Current Life necessity:
Hobby that:

Doesn't require 100% attention for a long period of time(toddler may be present)
Can be done by myself or with little helping hands (when they're present)
instant esteem builder
productive
not messy
Can be done both during the day and night so that it can fit in with "when I have time"

Any thoughts?

Anyways I'm about to finish cleaning up this messy kitchen o mine and prepare for an early bake...

Menu:

Banana Crumb Muffins

Reason: Complimentary Treat for my guests...Ok all our guest are special but these ones have booked out ALL our rooms and are staying for a week...so a small token shouldn't hurt. (Every now and then I do something spontaneous...I know consistency is good, but I honestly don't have time to do this for everyone.)
Downer: I need to have these ready and out the door by 6AM cause I understand they are early risers.
Upper: Ready in 35min

Wish me luck.

Bake, Bake, Bake

2007-04-11T17:41:00.000-06:00

Seems like a weekly thing now.

Tonight will be

marble pound cake...a fluffy, moist, simple pastry with a hint of chocolate swirl
candy bar brownies...a sinfully wicked treat moist brownies with caramel
cupcakes...made with pound cake batter and decorated pretty.

No, it's not for my family, it's for our hotel lobby... I know that will be a bummer for my peanut... he just looooooves these brownies.

The cup cakes are another story, I really need only two... we are having a wedding couple stay here, normally I do a little gift box with chocolate that I make... but this time I'm thinking I will do a little extra, I'll stick a "bride" chocolate lollipop on one decorated cupcake and a "groom" one on another... and put a few "congratulations" bars all around. I can't imagine anyone not liking that. I guess I'm going out a little more for these two because this is the first time both the bride and groom came to see the room, along with mommy...and they were so happy, there was no mistaking the love there.

Another delight that will be in our little "goodies" showcase, is Mrs. Emily's Lemon Pie...
boy it's good..but now a days her presentation is a little off... I saw one made by someone else the other day that made me want to devour it just because it looked so good...with perfectly formed browned tipped peeks...
if only I had the time, I'd make it myself. Who knows... perhaps this weekend.

Images to come soon, but now I wait for my night shift to come in and I'm off to go swim...yes I know it's 6pm and I'll probably end up with a cold, but who cares.... Thank God for oranges, vitamin C in a pill, Robitussin...or Contac...or Tylenol Cold or Cold- Eze w/zinc

Easter 2007

2007-04-08T11:55:00.000-06:00

Where were you last Easter? Sometimes its hard enough to remember what happened yesterday let alone a whole year ago. However, thank the good Lord for photographs. Our first Easter with Rashidah was spent together at home we played in bed and watched our 9 month baby grab and tear at the easter basket her grandmother had gotten her. If I could recall correctly she opened her Easter basket the night before and then Sunday morning we got ready and went to Church...Rashidah even joined the choir.

This Easter was not quite like that. When I woke up this morning, I knew what I needed to do, after all I had obligations....turning my kitchen upside down to do so. I had almost forgotten the events of the past night... although I would have loved to. I mean, living a sweet fantasy that everything is good does seem better than enduring the harsh reality that it isn't. Don't you think.

Just when I thought that perhaps getting out of bed was a bad idea, I couldn't help being snapped back to reality that there is someone young and innocent that is craving attention. Her little crys go unheard within the bedroom inwhich she was sleeping. The sadness that she felt of being in solitude even though she was not alone in there, was evident in her sobs. "Not yet" I thought "I'm almost finished." I had just enough time to finish up, wash my hands and go to get her, what I didn't have time for was our normal morning ritual (crawling back in bed with her and cuddle with her until she is satisfied that she is fully awake and her morning tears turn to sweet smiles and giggles) no, not today, I know it's a special day. But I can't and this is much to her dismay. One, last nagging request and her diaper is changed.

Rashidah is a small thing and only 20 months old but she is so determined. Spoiled if you may because she is use to getting her way. Fine, you don't want to put on your close, so be it. In diapers alone, we hurry out the front door, with our cargo to deliver, and her special treats to get hidden.

Rashidah's first Easter Egg Hunt. Weeks ago we prepared for this, scattering eggs in the living room chanting "Hurry Rashidah, find the eggs and put them in your basket." She is a smart one, because no sooner did she find the first one that she knew what she was to do. But that was weeks ago, would she remember that she's is to find the egg and put it in her basket? What a silly question, after the Easter Bunny scattered the eggs all over her grand parents yard, she was set free to go find the lovely presents. "Mo, mo" she begged as she picked up one precious egg at a time, looking and looking to see if more can be found. What a shame it was only her and I, yet what a small blessing to my heart to give her such joy. If I could have only held it in, things would have been different.
As I stood there taking photos of her and hinting where others may be, I couldn't help but think how fast time goes. How big she seems, yet how so very small. This Easter she went to church with her grandparents...and again they said she went up with the choir... Her sweet little smile touches my heart in a way I can not discribe. All I can do is thank God above, for allowing me to spend this time with her.

I know that the world still turns even after my own world seems to have suffered yet another earthquake. The reality is everyone will get out of it alive and well...how well? That is yet to be seen.

Why Kissing is Important

2007-04-04T21:29:00.000-06:00

Before we get into this topic, just a few things have to be said.

Further research needs to be done in order to confirm what you are about to read.
This is based on a chocolate-loving monkey's opinion and confirmed by some links below.
Considering there is a time and place for everything, the type of kiss being referred to is not so much the tight little closed-mouth perfunctory ones. Today's discussion is based on the type of kissing that searches souls and the ones that,at times, make knees weak, heads dizzy, and bodies quiver...the ones that stops time and convince one that everything can wait and nothing is important except you and your partner, right here, right now. Ultimately, the type that makes you go out and buy chocolate to satisfy your unsatisfied desire.

When thinking about how exquisite being engaged in a kiss is, it only causes one to wonder why couples don't do it often enough. Or why does it seem to end after courting.

The relationship:
Boy meets girl. Boy likes Girl. Girl likes Boy. They share a first kiss, sweet, innocent, wonderful. They continue getting to know each other. Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. Kisses become more passionate. Boy & Girl feel like life would not be the same without each other. Time passes. Whether they get married or not, the relationship has its ups and downs. Problems go unsolved. Kisses come less often. Kisses become perfunctory or stop all together. Arguments continue, you fall out of love. Relationship/marriage ends. Boy and Girl are left to wonder "What happened? Where did we go wrong."

Depressing I know. Really and truly sad, but it doesn't have to be that way. I don't want to make it seem so trivial, I mean the mighty creator above knows that many factors could cause disagreements between a couple, from petty things like not taking out the trash, to major things like infidelity, yet so many disagreements could be solved, prevented or repaired with an intimately passionate kiss. Ha, I can even say a scowl on your partners face could disappear with a few playful kisses on the cheek or by the ear.

This is why I second the motion that:

Work + Kiss = a healthy marriage/relationship.

I mean if you, while young, let passion die then what other glue do you have to help keep that relationship going? Of course, friendship, communication, and trust are vital and I can't really speak on behalf of men, but for womankind KISSES are very essential. They comfort us, remind us that we are loved and desired. Kisses really do ease the mind, not only after a fight, but especially out of the blue, just because "I love you."

A relationship is hard work, "fights" do happen. There is a reason why they say "kiss and make up." An affectionate kiss gives you a chance to feel each others soul, to awaken the spirit of desire, and remember the love that you found in each other in the first place. Granted, the passion of kissing will in reality fade meaning that kisses won't always cause the same knee weakening effect it did at the start of the relationship, however that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to keeping the passion alive by kissing.

On a side note "Kiss and make up" may lead to "make up sex"... but not the other way around. The other way around could lead to an unsatisfying mental state...not a good thing.

In conclusion, couples have forgotten one of the things that set them together in the first place....the first kiss... So, why not continue kissing your partner? Why not engage her/him in some tender and intimate soul searching?

If you or someone you know may have forgotten how to kiss direct them to the link below, it may help save their relationship.

How to Kiss someone passionately (humorous but not intended for the eyes of minors)
"Work + Kiss = a happy marriage" (Dan Cornin's comment)
Kissing Connectivity (Makes so much sense)

Sweet little you.

2007-03-27T22:18:00.000-06:00

My sweet, little Princess,
How you grow so fast!

It was only yesterday that I saw you for the first time,

Heard your first coo, watched you pull up, took your first step,
Pookie, you were born with knowing eyes, so unexpected.

My sweet little Clown,
How you make me laugh!
Smiling with cheeks stained with cheese flavored chips
Playing the teasing game you taught us and wearing daddy's shoes,
Rara, you are so loveable, you melt my heart.

My sweet, little Rascal,
Please slow down your pace.
It's hard to believe that you're running around now,
Causing minor chaos, spilling cups of water, breaking mommys make-up,
Hala, don't cry, I may get angry but I love you anyway.

My sweet little Angel,
You fill my heart with love!
You inspire me in more ways than you will ever know,
Bringing home flowers, giving little big hugs and showering your sweet kisses,
Pumpkin, you are blessing sent from God above.

My sweet little Rashidah,
Mommy will always be here for you.
Singing the songs you love to hear, the ones that make you laugh and dance,
Giving you hugs, wiping your tears, kissing your boo-boos,
You are everything I could ever want in a daughter.

Everything and more.

Ahhh...the great outdoors

2007-03-25T23:31:00.000-06:00

If there is anything I can advise you to do before you leave planet earth, I'd have to say, take a stroll through the woods or jungle and while you do this, take time to inhale the aroma of your surroundings. Breath in the moist green folliage mixed with the woodsy smell of decomposing sticks and leaves. Feel the soft earth and listen to the crunchy crinkling of dry leaves beneath your booted feet. Appreciate all of God's great wonder in something so simple as the world in its natural self. Isn't it just wonderful to be alive!

And there's no mistaking that you are alive when you start hearing the to the humming of hungry life forms buzzing around happily at the sight and smell of fresh meat. So...if you do decide to take this nature walk, please, I'm begging you PLEASE, don't forget to take your bug repelant. I mean who on earth actually gets a thrill out of having thirsty little blood suckers drink from our unwilling body?

I guess I could say that biting bugs are about the only price to pay for a little peace and relaxation.
Yeah, harmless little, swell-your-whole-hand bugs such as this: Diachlorus ferrugatus (Fabricius) commonly known as Yellow Fly or as we call it here in Belize,

Docta (Doctor) Fly. Talk about OUCH Maaaama!!!

Some girls like the beach...I like the woods/jungle just a tad bit more. Why? Well, I'd have to say solitude. Don't get me wrong...I love the beach and the smell of the ocean the only thing is, there has only been a few lucky times that I have been on a beach and have it be deserted and all to myself. It is so wonderful when hardly anyone is there, but there is only a few times this could ever occur, short of having your own private island. The times when I managed to pull this off was usually a mid Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon. Not so when you choose mother earths tree infested counterpart, it's only you and whoever you take with you. If you're wondering...no, I'm not anti-social or anything; I just like having some time-out. You know...to get away from it all. Time to reflect and think. Sometimes to stop thinking and simply observe.

Well this Saturday's outing was with my immediate and extended family. An amazing four generations of females namely my grandmother: Bartola, my mother:Ana, myself and my little daughter:Rashidah, who's happlily munching on some lemon and pepper flavored chips. Rashidah isn't my grand mother's only great grand child. My sister has blessed her with an amazing four others. The only difference is that Rashidah is here in Belize while, my sister and her family are in the USofA. Such a shame cause life goes by so quickly and it is a moment such as this that stops time and assists in bringing to life the value of family.

So all in all swatting bugs on this particular outing was definitely a small price to pay for this poster worthy photo op.