Roy and my little angle Rashidah went to Cancun yesterday and will be flying out to New Jersey today. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of me, I've never been apart from my daughter for more than a day. The past two days I was dealing with the reality that I won't see her for bit. But it hit me last night like blow to the chest. I was choosing her outfits for her trip and folding her little clothes and the tears just rolled. I couldn't let her go. I know that may seem ridiculous because its only vacation and will be returning on August 3rd, but I can't help it. It feels like a lifetime away. I broke down into tears when we arrived at my in-laws, because I felt like I couldn't do it. I was so near panic that I'm glad Roy noticed and reassured me that they'll be alright. It's true it's not like she's going by herself. He's going with her and her grandparents will be going too. Here great-grandmother is already there so she will be fine. I know that. So, I mustered up some courage. But it was hard when she hugged me and told me "But I want you to go to Tia Sandra house, too." when I told her that I had to stay with Baby Brother she just hung her head down and said "awww." She's only just turned 3 and is such a small thing. But she'll steal your heart quicker than you know it.
My husband will take care of her, I know. I hope. If all else I know his parents will help. It's not that I don't trust him it's just that I know them both, but then again things are different when I'm not around, they're fine and she listens and obeys him. But when I'm around, he always tells me to talk to my daughter cause she wont' listen to him. I hope when they return they'll be best buds.
So for now the man of the house is little Rafiq. He got vaccinated on Tuesday and has not been his usually bubbly self; I guess it's the fever reducer I've be giving him. Yet, he still smiles as though he knows I'm in need of some cheering up.
Its funny that even at the small and tender age 3 months he's sensitive to my feelings. I could understand when he sees/hears me upset about something that he starts to whimper, which usually snaps my attention back to him and quickly settle down. I'd smile at him and tell him to "hush darling" that "it's ok, its not him I'm upset with" (very necessary especially when he's suckling cause he won't continue until I relax and reassure him.) That may or may not seem natural, but what's even more perplexed is the way he gets me to smile. How does he know to instigate smiling and conversation when he sees me staring off and feeling depressed? All I can feel is that he's God's little angel sent to me. Both of them are. I never knew I could feel so much love for anyone. It's so true:
Having children is seeing your heart walk around outside your body.
I'll miss them both so much already and will be counting the days.
