Desiderata

GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE & HASTE, & REMEMBER WHAT PEACE THERE MAY BE IN SILENCE, AS FAR AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT SURRENDER BE ON GOOD TERMS WITH ALL PERSONS. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they have their story. Avoid loud & aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

author unknown

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Between a Rock and a Hard Place

To sum it up, I'm sad, unhappy, a bit depressed but hoping that the decision I have made is for the best. For the most part I'm confused. Yesterday, it had seemed as though I had it all figured out. I knew what I had to do and was prepared to do it. But, then last night happened.

I was through loosing sleep over these types of matter and for the past few days have been sleeping like a baby...you know besides the discomfort of my pregnancy belly... But then last night I woke up and broke down. One thought crept in my mind and caused me to melt into a sobbing infant.
Am I being selfish by choosing to walk away from 5 years of my life with him, just because I'm not getting what I want out of the relationship? Am I suppose to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of the children? It's not that I wasn't thinking of them, because all my thoughts have been preparing myself for the reality that...no hubby means doing everything on my own... which even though it would suck, I know I can do it.

But no hubby means no Daddy to run to when mommy is mad or to massage cramped little legs or aching arms. No hubby means, no more fights over who's turn it is to watch tv..."my turn, Daddy, my turn." No hubby means, no Daddy to say "that's my pillow daddy" or no more trips for three to the tacos vendor Sunday mornings. Or to take us to Moy and play games. No more hubby means, no more waking up and running around the house to see if Daddy is still here or if he already went on the "Big Bus."

Think, think, think... Reality is I don't want my kids growing up without their father, but I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life either.

Here we go again

"Hi my name is Helwa and I'm a jealous, lost-my-trust-in-you-wife."
"Hi Helwa" the other women respond.

Looking around the room it is difficult to see myself here, yet comforting to think that I'm not exactly alone in this world. Some look like angry cold-hearted women, some look like hurt little girls that have fear written all over their face, while others just seem detached. I'm trying to figure out in which of these groups do I fit in.

Where does jealousy come from? Why do we feel this way and jealous of what exactly. Click jealousy to find it's definition.

In my case I'm guessing option

2.	mental uneasiness from suspicion of unfaithfulness

Brings me to my next Flaw: SUSPICIOUS... Inclined to suspect evil, distrust...hmmm

Wow, I have issues. These are two things I don't like about myself...Jealous and Suspicious.
Do I seem less horrid by the fact that I didn't want to be like this. I really do hate these two forms of emotions that seemed to have been planted in me somewhere between courting and getting married and sprouted into a seedling during marriage and now after almost three years of marriage is a big old ugly gloomy tree.

You know what bothers me more the fact that my suspicions are usually right. So where should my anger reside... in the fact that I now know that I'm jealous and suspicious or in the fact that the reason that I'm jealous is because my suspicions are correct.

I don't know anymore. Once upon a time, being right was what mattered. At this point in my life being right bites....and unfortunately knowing that I am right doesn't make me happy. Unfortunately, it means being sad, depressed, disappointed, and just down in the dumps.

Why can't life be a fairytale. Why do we have memories... people who get amnesia are lucky in a way... everything from the past is forgotten, you can start over or for the person that screwed with your heart they have a second chance to make up to you for being scum...well that is if they even want to be with you and if they don't woo-hoo they're free and so are you. The only bad thing about that... happy memories get washed away too.... Well then selective amnesia will work perfectly. Is there anyway I can select what memories that get erased?

You know what I just realized... last Easter found me in the same state of mind. Does that mean a whole year of my life was wasted, doomed to be repeated again. Does that mean it will continue repeating the misery I had almost forgotten. Wow this is a hard reality to face but maybe it is. I never imagined thinking this but yes we probably are... I've lost trust in him and will in inadvertently always be suspicious, he will always be defensive and secretive so what's the point. Were do we go from there. Sucks to be in the last month of pregnancy with his second child and pondering these things.

Orchid Palm Inn: Small hotel of the Year!!!!

I can't believe I'm just posting this on my blog... But yes, my little guest house, Orchid Palm Inn has unexpectedly been awarded Belize's "Small Hotel of the Year 2007." which is awarded for the ability to capture the essence of warmth and homeliness, excellent customer service and good management.

Back in January we were called and told that we were nominated for the award and wanted to do a testimonial video, that if we do win it will be showed at the ceremony. The 8th Annual Award Ceremony was held at Belize's Biltmore Hotel on January 25th and sure enough we won. It was a wonderful experience.

I'm so happy that all our efforts to keep our place looking lovely, our rooms kept clean and our staff friendly have a paid off. I take anything that happens here very, very personally whether it be negative or positive. Trust me...my little staff can vouch for that. I will chew them up if something wasn't done the right way, but also praise them when they have done well. Praise is a two way road and though in my position I don't get it first hand, when I my establishment gets a compliment, I feel honored and happy.

Thanks to the Belize Tourism Board for having such awards, it goes straight to the heart of the awarded.

Here's the little advertisement I did for Belize's tourist magazine: Destination Belize. It's on page 162 of the 2008 edition.