Be still my aching heart.

Mom and Dad just got back in from Florida yesterday the 23rd. They were out for a week. So I guess work is going to be up and at-tums today, not that I haven't been busy managing the two businesses on my own. The load just wasn't quite as heavy having my brother look after the field work. Normally when my folks would be out of the country I'd have to manage the office and the field jobs and manufacturing plant. But thank the good lord its different now.

Roy and my little angle Rashidah went to Cancun yesterday and will be flying out to New Jersey today. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of me, I've never been apart from my daughter for more than a day. The past two days I was dealing with the reality that I won't see her for bit. But it hit me last night like blow to the chest. I was choosing her outfits for her trip and folding her little clothes and the tears just rolled. I couldn't let her go. I know that may seem ridiculous because its only vacation and will be returning on August 3rd, but I can't help it. It feels like a lifetime away. I broke down into tears when we arrived at my in-laws, because I felt like I couldn't do it. I was so near panic that I'm glad Roy noticed and reassured me that they'll be alright. It's true it's not like she's going by herself. He's going with her and her grandparents will be going too. Here great-grandmother is already there so she will be fine. I know that. So, I mustered up some courage. But it was hard when she hugged me and told me "But I want you to go to Tia Sandra house, too." when I told her that I had to stay with Baby Brother she just hung her head down and said "awww." She's only just turned 3 and is such a small thing. But she'll steal your heart quicker than you know it.

My husband will take care of her, I know. I hope. If all else I know his parents will help. It's not that I don't trust him it's just that I know them both, but then again things are different when I'm not around, they're fine and she listens and obeys him. But when I'm around, he always tells me to talk to my daughter cause she wont' listen to him. I hope when they return they'll be best buds.

So for now the man of the house is little Rafiq. He got vaccinated on Tuesday and has not been his usually bubbly self; I guess it's the fever reducer I've be giving him. Yet, he still smiles as though he knows I'm in need of some cheering up.

Its funny that even at the small and tender age 3 months he's sensitive to my feelings. I could understand when he sees/hears me upset about something that he starts to whimper, which usually snaps my attention back to him and quickly settle down. I'd smile at him and tell him to "hush darling" that "it's ok, its not him I'm upset with" (very necessary especially when he's suckling cause he won't continue until I relax and reassure him.) That may or may not seem natural, but what's even more perplexed is the way he gets me to smile. How does he know to instigate smiling and conversation when he sees me staring off and feeling depressed? All I can feel is that he's God's little angel sent to me. Both of them are. I never knew I could feel so much love for anyone. It's so true:

Having children is seeing your heart walk around outside your body.

I'll miss them both so much already and will be counting the days.

Do we want to live to be 150?

Lanza featured in the TV podcast is a board member of Eden. He was featured on ABC back in March. Click on the link..it's pretty freaky. For those of you who don't know. Eden has a base in Corozal, we (Sealand Harvesters & Developers Ltd.) did their piles and pile works for their foundation. They will be opening a larger clinic in the Belize Free Zone , near the airport.

We along with other investors of the Belize Free Zone went to an familiarization seminar they hosted in February. Eden (Stem cell research organization) is part of starcapital . Interesting yet super creepy. As my dad and I sat there we both couldn't help getting willies. As though we both had the same feeling we scoped out the nearest exits and summed up the dudes by the doors. I figure hmmm can I fake that I'm going into labor in order to escape if they try to lock the doors or will they try to hold my baby for testing.

By the end of the seminar we were like cool, very interesting...were we brainwashed? I mean it all seems to be going against God's will...are we/they trying to be like God? Funny thing is that I had a question and was interested in stem cell research without really knowing that's what it was...cord blood banking. I was interested in collecting and saving the blood from the umbilical cord as an insurance for my baby. But thankfully I spoke to the Scientist in charge Dr. Ramesh Roshan who measured out the pros and cons for me and aided me in my decision. He also informed me that here in Belize they will not be doing cord blood collecting at this time, which was basically the answer to my question.

Food for thought: I recall them emphasizing that they will NOT be doing anything like cloning and experimenting to create different species and such mad scientist nonsense...they they are simply doing research to improve and hopefully extend life through stem cell research. According to Lanza that's what he does...so does that me that here in belize there will be testing such as cloning occuring? Cloning not to create a "whole human" only "human organs" as they say. do-dee-do-dee-do-de-doo-dee have entered the twilite zone?

Sibling love

Portrait of a Baby

Sleeping with Angels

You sleep so soundly,
Looking so peaceful.
Carefully I set you down.

Your tiny being,
is holding me here.
So sweet is your expression.

You have caught my heart,
I'm still standing here.
'cause you're smiling in your sleep.

Bedtime games

Have you tried to stage a photo with kids...it's funny what can happen...

I was trying to get my daughter to take her nap but as usual she didn't want to. She just loves her baby brother, so I told her come and sleep next to Baby Brother, an offer she couldn't refuse. Unfortunately, the bribe didn't hold too long so her next favorite thing is taking pictures so I told her to close her eyes, I'll take a picture of the two them sleeping. By the time I snapped the photo... here's what happened..Second attempt...Rafiq joined in on the joke on mommy...Third times a charm...
By the way it still took a lot more coaxing and back patting/rubbing to get her to sleep.



Another incident:
I wanted to capture a moment of sibling love and obviously someone got bored.

Rafiq Hassan Rosado

Photo Ops

Hi son, I'm your daddy.

Eyes Open

"Sleeping with angels"

Rafiq's first bath.

Napping after bath.

Active Labor: My stories

Well as some of you may know, my darling son finally decided to join us and made his grand entrance on April 20th at 1:57 AM.  I'd have to say that this experience was better than the first..at least this time I knew how to push. 

Yes, the whole experience itself was rather pleasant...not the pain...but the events and mood leading up to point of "I need to push!"

This time: I knew I was in labor, but chose not to go to the doctor right away.  Instead we decided to go to a birthday party for a close friend, besides my doctor was invited to the party too. 

First time: I thought is was false labor and was forced to go to the clinic by my mother and tattle-tale husband. 

This time: I wasn't mad at hubby, he was clearly aware that I was experiencing labor pains but also wanted to party. 

First time: I was mad at hubby: he slept even though I told him I was feeling what I thought was false labor pains...hmm...maybe that's why he continued sleeping even after I had awoken him a couple times with my "ou's."

This time: I arrived at the clinic 9 cm dialated

First time: I arrived at the clinic 6 cm dialated

This time: I handled contractions a whole lot better... But I must give props to info I found on the net. Expectant moms heed my words... mediation is the key (well at least it was for me)  I just relaxed and concentrated on the fact that contractions have a beginning, middle and end. Beginning is mild and builds up to the middle which is the climax, then fades off to the end.  I knew the pain was coming and waited for it and listened to it...oh and it definitely helped that I took a deep breath in at the start and slowly released it during the contraction.    

First time: Fear caused me to tense up, but thank the good Lord above, hubby was there to rub my lower back while I was feeling this horrid pain. I had him apply pressure to my lower back until he felt as though his hand would fall off.  Hey, it was the least he could do. Besides the pain his hand felt was in no comparison to what my coochie ("cucus" as Roy calls it) was feeling. 

Two things that happened that were similar was 1: Doc had to break my water.  2: The pain I felt after that can only be described as mind boggling.  

This time: For a moment I couldn't think, and felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I felt the need to push but couldn't because 1: we weren't in the delivery room 2: I was standing: 3: I needed to sit on the wheel chair to get to the delivery room.  I thought the task to be impossible but again thank the good lord for nurses, doctors and family support. Nurse Briceno snapped me to reality with a calm, sympathetic but firm "deep breath. Take a deep breath." Once I managed to do that my whole body relaxed and I sat in the wheel chair and told Roy "Hurry!" 

First time: I remember being wheeled through the waiting room and upon seeing our families I held my hand to my head and did a sign that said put me out of my misery. 

This time: I started to push as I got on the table, but they kept telling me not to (I was too high on the table and needed to slide down.)

First time: They were telling me I was pushing wrong... LOL Can you imagine...I was pushing up apparently when I was suppose to be pushing down...hence bare down: For all you first time moms push like you want to poop...there I said it, I wish someone had told me that before I went into labor.

Both times: My darling angels came out with the woosh and my whole being relaxed, hearing their cries and seeing them for the first time all covered with yucky stuff but still looking so beautiful and so REAL.  "Ten fingers, ten toes?"  

Ten fingers. Ten Toes. 

Can you feel my thoughts?

This photo was taken on Friday, April 18th.

On my mind? When will he come into this world?
Is he ok in there? Will delivery be complicated?
Will I be blessed with a quick uncomplicated
labor for the second time?
Will I be blessed with a healthy baby?

Desiderata

GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE & HASTE, & REMEMBER WHAT PEACE THERE MAY BE IN SILENCE, AS FAR AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT SURRENDER BE ON GOOD TERMS WITH ALL PERSONS. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they have their story. Avoid loud & aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

author unknown

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Between a Rock and a Hard Place

To sum it up, I'm sad, unhappy, a bit depressed but hoping that the decision I have made is for the best. For the most part I'm confused. Yesterday, it had seemed as though I had it all figured out. I knew what I had to do and was prepared to do it. But, then last night happened.

I was through loosing sleep over these types of matter and for the past few days have been sleeping like a baby...you know besides the discomfort of my pregnancy belly... But then last night I woke up and broke down. One thought crept in my mind and caused me to melt into a sobbing infant.
Am I being selfish by choosing to walk away from 5 years of my life with him, just because I'm not getting what I want out of the relationship? Am I suppose to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of the children? It's not that I wasn't thinking of them, because all my thoughts have been preparing myself for the reality that...no hubby means doing everything on my own... which even though it would suck, I know I can do it.

But no hubby means no Daddy to run to when mommy is mad or to massage cramped little legs or aching arms. No hubby means, no more fights over who's turn it is to watch tv..."my turn, Daddy, my turn." No hubby means, no Daddy to say "that's my pillow daddy" or no more trips for three to the tacos vendor Sunday mornings. Or to take us to Moy and play games. No more hubby means, no more waking up and running around the house to see if Daddy is still here or if he already went on the "Big Bus."

Think, think, think... Reality is I don't want my kids growing up without their father, but I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life either.

Here we go again

"Hi my name is Helwa and I'm a jealous, lost-my-trust-in-you-wife."
"Hi Helwa" the other women respond.

Looking around the room it is difficult to see myself here, yet comforting to think that I'm not exactly alone in this world. Some look like angry cold-hearted women, some look like hurt little girls that have fear written all over their face, while others just seem detached. I'm trying to figure out in which of these groups do I fit in.

Where does jealousy come from? Why do we feel this way and jealous of what exactly. Click jealousy to find it's definition.

In my case I'm guessing option

2.	mental uneasiness from suspicion of unfaithfulness

Brings me to my next Flaw: SUSPICIOUS... Inclined to suspect evil, distrust...hmmm

Wow, I have issues. These are two things I don't like about myself...Jealous and Suspicious.
Do I seem less horrid by the fact that I didn't want to be like this. I really do hate these two forms of emotions that seemed to have been planted in me somewhere between courting and getting married and sprouted into a seedling during marriage and now after almost three years of marriage is a big old ugly gloomy tree.

You know what bothers me more the fact that my suspicions are usually right. So where should my anger reside... in the fact that I now know that I'm jealous and suspicious or in the fact that the reason that I'm jealous is because my suspicions are correct.

I don't know anymore. Once upon a time, being right was what mattered. At this point in my life being right bites....and unfortunately knowing that I am right doesn't make me happy. Unfortunately, it means being sad, depressed, disappointed, and just down in the dumps.

Why can't life be a fairytale. Why do we have memories... people who get amnesia are lucky in a way... everything from the past is forgotten, you can start over or for the person that screwed with your heart they have a second chance to make up to you for being scum...well that is if they even want to be with you and if they don't woo-hoo they're free and so are you. The only bad thing about that... happy memories get washed away too.... Well then selective amnesia will work perfectly. Is there anyway I can select what memories that get erased?

You know what I just realized... last Easter found me in the same state of mind. Does that mean a whole year of my life was wasted, doomed to be repeated again. Does that mean it will continue repeating the misery I had almost forgotten. Wow this is a hard reality to face but maybe it is. I never imagined thinking this but yes we probably are... I've lost trust in him and will in inadvertently always be suspicious, he will always be defensive and secretive so what's the point. Were do we go from there. Sucks to be in the last month of pregnancy with his second child and pondering these things.

Orchid Palm Inn: Small hotel of the Year!!!!

I can't believe I'm just posting this on my blog... But yes, my little guest house, Orchid Palm Inn has unexpectedly been awarded Belize's "Small Hotel of the Year 2007." which is awarded for the ability to capture the essence of warmth and homeliness, excellent customer service and good management.

Back in January we were called and told that we were nominated for the award and wanted to do a testimonial video, that if we do win it will be showed at the ceremony. The 8th Annual Award Ceremony was held at Belize's Biltmore Hotel on January 25th and sure enough we won. It was a wonderful experience.

I'm so happy that all our efforts to keep our place looking lovely, our rooms kept clean and our staff friendly have a paid off. I take anything that happens here very, very personally whether it be negative or positive. Trust me...my little staff can vouch for that. I will chew them up if something wasn't done the right way, but also praise them when they have done well. Praise is a two way road and though in my position I don't get it first hand, when I my establishment gets a compliment, I feel honored and happy.

Thanks to the Belize Tourism Board for having such awards, it goes straight to the heart of the awarded.

Here's the little advertisement I did for Belize's tourist magazine: Destination Belize. It's on page 162 of the 2008 edition.