"Hi Helwa" the other women respond.
Looking around the room it is difficult to see myself here, yet comforting to think that I'm not exactly alone in this world. Some look like angry cold-hearted women, some look like hurt little girls that have fear written all over their face, while others just seem detached. I'm trying to figure out in which of these groups do I fit in.
Where does jealousy come from? Why do we feel this way and jealous of what exactly. Click jealousy to find it's definition.
In my case I'm guessing option
| 2. | mental uneasiness from suspicion of unfaithfulness |
Brings me to my next Flaw: SUSPICIOUS... Inclined to suspect evil, distrust...hmmm
Wow, I have issues. These are two things I don't like about myself...Jealous and Suspicious.
Do I seem less horrid by the fact that I didn't want to be like this. I really do hate these two forms of emotions that seemed to have been planted in me somewhere between courting and getting married and sprouted into a seedling during marriage and now after almost three years of marriage is a big old ugly gloomy tree.
You know what bothers me more the fact that my suspicions are usually right. So where should my anger reside... in the fact that I now know that I'm jealous and suspicious or in the fact that the reason that I'm jealous is because my suspicions are correct.
I don't know anymore. Once upon a time, being right was what mattered. At this point in my life being right bites....and unfortunately knowing that I am right doesn't make me happy. Unfortunately, it means being sad, depressed, disappointed, and just down in the dumps.
Why can't life be a fairytale. Why do we have memories... people who get amnesia are lucky in a way... everything from the past is forgotten, you can start over or for the person that screwed with your heart they have a second chance to make up to you for being scum...well that is if they even want to be with you and if they don't woo-hoo they're free and so are you. The only bad thing about that... happy memories get washed away too.... Well then selective amnesia will work perfectly. Is there anyway I can select what memories that get erased?
You know what I just realized... last Easter found me in the same state of mind. Does that mean a whole year of my life was wasted, doomed to be repeated again. Does that mean it will continue repeating the misery I had almost forgotten. Wow this is a hard reality to face but maybe it is. I never imagined thinking this but yes we probably are... I've lost trust in him and will in inadvertently always be suspicious, he will always be defensive and secretive so what's the point. Were do we go from there. Sucks to be in the last month of pregnancy with his second child and pondering these things.
6 comments:
Don't know a soul that doesn't get suspicious and jealous every now and then. Heck, I'd flip out in your shoes.
Known you for a while and don't believe you're of the "inclined to suspect evil, distrust" type but more the cheerful, smiling, happy-happy-joy-joy type.
I hope the Chiney man can overcome his evil fishy witchy ways and stop funk round and quit playin games with your heart like thats :) We feel hurtededed.
If I hadn't had those drinks I'd have noticed it right off (and not some 5 hours later) ... you looked great last night. Happy B-Day!
Thanks, you are too sweet. But truly am like that...didn't use to be, probably because I didn't care about anyone as much as I do about him.
I was hoping no one noticed anything last night. Any who,I'm slowly coming to terms with reality. And pretty much know what I need to do...finding the courage to do it is the problem. By the way, do you have anymore of those spiced up salchichas?...Kidding. It was only a harmless little thought...I wouldn't...never...
I'm glad you got home ok, had me worried there for a little bit...didn't want to find out that Poopiss slept in a ditch last night. By the way I tried calling the two numbers I had for you to tell you to bring your girl, but all they told me "this is Leiva's residence" go figure.
Yesterday... got there in a rush. Ate, drank and left in a rush...had one of those threatening "Azrak" deadlines to meet. Thanks to fine mexican cervezas, I managed to store all that was happening in slo-mo for convenient retrieval later that the night.:)
Oh and sorry about the number. I keep running up my grand peeps' phone bill. Muhahahaha!
Leo? How dare you....
Hellbaby, I will tell you the same thing I tell all my girlfriends: Forgiveness is a process and a choice it is not a feeling.
Jealousy has can be a good thing. Even God is jealous. It means you desire to have your right place of importance. Jealousy management is a virtue.
I love you as much as a Blog-sista can, and I wish I could make it better. I will be praying for you
Aye Beth your words speak many truths . Thanks for the prayer, I really do need divine intervention and spiritual guidance.
Ask and it will be given to you. Knock and He will answer.
I know that it those words are every cliche but I have found them to be true.
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