To sum it up, I'm sad, unhappy, a bit depressed but hoping that the decision I have made is for the best. For the most part I'm confused. Yesterday, it had seemed as though I had it all figured out. I knew what I had to do and was prepared to do it. But, then last night happened.
I was through loosing sleep over these types of matter and for the past few days have been sleeping like a baby...you know besides the discomfort of my pregnancy belly... But then last night I woke up and broke down. One thought crept in my mind and caused me to melt into a sobbing infant.
Am I being selfish by choosing to walk away from 5 years of my life with him, just because I'm not getting what I want out of the relationship? Am I suppose to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of the children? It's not that I wasn't thinking of them, because all my thoughts have been preparing myself for the reality that...no hubby means doing everything on my own... which even though it would suck, I know I can do it.
But no hubby means no Daddy to run to when mommy is mad or to massage cramped little legs or aching arms. No hubby means, no more fights over who's turn it is to watch tv..."my turn, Daddy, my turn." No hubby means, no Daddy to say "that's my pillow daddy" or no more trips for three to the tacos vendor Sunday mornings. Or to take us to Moy and play games. No more hubby means, no more waking up and running around the house to see if Daddy is still here or if he already went on the "Big Bus."
Think, think, think... Reality is I don't want my kids growing up without their father, but I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life either.
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